even so

so, after many long months, i finally have found my way back to these familiar stomping grounds.

with new purpose, new loves, new hope for what is to come. i have grown in ways i've never dreamed these last months. i've made many small victories and found love in the shadows. i've learnt, laughed, and loved.

tonight, i sat on the car hood with my bestfriend.
and it was then i realized i'm head over heals excited with the choices placed before me,
my biggest dreams,
and my every next step i get to take.

life's a joy.
(even in the storm)

all or nothing

i am learning about love this week. how sometimes it can be the loveliest thing in the world, but other times it's harsh and uncomfortable and hard to give.

i'd like to be good at loving when i get older. even when it's not easy.

that is all.

already here

how do i begin?
words have been few around here the past weeks. 
i've been trying to be better at a lot of things lately. writing being one of them.
my sad attempt has left checklists of my days past and unanswered questions in my journal though.
i am in the in-between-stage-of-life it seems. the one where you don't know where your foot is going to land next or even if it will slide a little when it hits the ground.

last year i felt such confidence. such boldness. such knowing.
this year, God has been teaching me the complete opposite. & this year, i'm learning what i've been missing. being in a season of uncertainty and questioning, it is so much easier to fill in the blanks with how i think God's will for my life should play out. and in my heart, it happens all the time. i grow my own selfish words and end up whimpering and waiting for even just a whisper that "this is it." <THIS IS WHAT'S NEXT> this is what He wants me to do. but lately, there's been no answer. no sureness. no urge or rebuttal to the pressure that's been building up around me.
i must confess,  in many ways it's nice. it's nice to wait it out. to accept that maybe i am doing exactly what He has called of me right here, right now -- even if it feels nothing like last year.

maybe it doesn't seem as brave as leaving the country like i did last year.
& maybe it's not taking orphans by the hand.
& maybe it's not giving up my entire summer to intern at camp.
& maybe it's not wearing 1 dress for an entire year.

but now, more than ever, i am realizing that being brave comes when you are exactly where God wants you to be. when you are in the center of His will, no matter what that looks like.

"take me where love is needed" is what i say when i wake up every morning now.
and for now, that's right here.
in this little town.
with my little family.
with a little job.

it may be a season of "little" things for now, but it's everything He wants for me. & i'm okay with that.

-t

growing

// i miss the village.
the way it felt to stand in the middle of
the dirt road and play with all the
smiling faces.

// i miss long walks and good talks with
a pretty amazing woman.

// i miss walking outside my front
door and having church in the
backyard.

// i miss colorful houses &
cobble stone streets.

// i miss orphans.

// i miss not understanding what
everyone is saying.

// i miss walking absolutely everywhere.

// i miss sitting out my windowsill
gazing at stars and praying for the
people back home.

// i miss spending my afternoons with
11 of the most lovely yet equally hardheaded
children in the world.

// i miss simple.

it grows a little more everyday.

i miss the feelings & smells & hands & faces

that will never leave. it comes out of nowhere.

driving home from work and all of the sudden,

the village is parading in your mind.

all of the sudden, you wish you could see what he's

like now, the little abandoned boy that was just

learning to walk when you left.

it's growing my heart too. maybe it hurts a little, but

it's still growing. 

they're there, they'll always be there, 

ever growing, ever changing,

whether you are with them or not.

-t

2014:

is for pancakes is for being kinder is for loving more is for buying homeless men coffee is for journaling a little longer is for writing letters
is for counseling girls is for overusing the record player
is for spending more time with family
is for being an aunt is for not worrying is for taking less & giving more is for being better is for helping more is for being more inlove with jesus

life is a season

i'm going away for a while,
and maybe not ever coming back.