already here

how do i begin?
words have been few around here the past weeks. 
i've been trying to be better at a lot of things lately. writing being one of them.
my sad attempt has left checklists of my days past and unanswered questions in my journal though.
i am in the in-between-stage-of-life it seems. the one where you don't know where your foot is going to land next or even if it will slide a little when it hits the ground.

last year i felt such confidence. such boldness. such knowing.
this year, God has been teaching me the complete opposite. & this year, i'm learning what i've been missing. being in a season of uncertainty and questioning, it is so much easier to fill in the blanks with how i think God's will for my life should play out. and in my heart, it happens all the time. i grow my own selfish words and end up whimpering and waiting for even just a whisper that "this is it." <THIS IS WHAT'S NEXT> this is what He wants me to do. but lately, there's been no answer. no sureness. no urge or rebuttal to the pressure that's been building up around me.
i must confess,  in many ways it's nice. it's nice to wait it out. to accept that maybe i am doing exactly what He has called of me right here, right now -- even if it feels nothing like last year.

maybe it doesn't seem as brave as leaving the country like i did last year.
& maybe it's not taking orphans by the hand.
& maybe it's not giving up my entire summer to intern at camp.
& maybe it's not wearing 1 dress for an entire year.

but now, more than ever, i am realizing that being brave comes when you are exactly where God wants you to be. when you are in the center of His will, no matter what that looks like.

"take me where love is needed" is what i say when i wake up every morning now.
and for now, that's right here.
in this little town.
with my little family.
with a little job.

it may be a season of "little" things for now, but it's everything He wants for me. & i'm okay with that.

-t

happy merry

it's a happy merry christmas over here.
we just got done with the chaos of opening gifts after a nice breakfast. there's a pile of wrapping paper up to my knees sitting in the doorway.
i am now the proud owner of hunter boots, some lacey unmentionables, a load of dishes and ikea knives, art books, and a french record. i like all those things, but most of all, i like my family.

happy christmas to you.
i hope you like what's important most of all.

mandy

it is so

i am not a feminist, but i did take pride in cutting the tree down this christmas. so much so, that i might do it from now on.

over again

 These are from my week away, crossing into washington. My sister Bella holds her breath accross the bridge while I snap some keepsakes. I feel like i fall in love every time.

yes, i'd marry that view. 

1 9 .

today is the day because i sat here all day in my underwear listening to "Blondie" on the record player. i figure i should tribute this day.

i turn nineteen tomorrow. it's a scary feeling. sort of like the one when you turn eighteen, but worse.
i learned a lot about myself this year:

like how to love wherever i am.
i learned to make life less about me and more about others.
to be okay with change when you made all the plans in the first place.
i learned that if i'm not content in Christ, i'm not content.
i learned to be better friends with my sisters&brother.
i learned that i prefer
fall over summer
big spoons over small ones
& saving money over spending it.
i learned how to plan a wedding and be creative with deadlines.
i learned that sometimes i can cry a dozen times in one week and that's okay.
i learned that dancing like a spaz is fine, no one knows how to dance unless you are an ethnicity other than white.

i learned that at eighteen, i really love this thing called life.

& so,
cheers to nineteen. 

in the air

weeks have grown shorter with much to do. it's been pleasant planning a wedding, nannying days away, and enjoying the last short weeks summer has to offer.
i suppose it's only natural that as we prepare for the end of warm days and freedom from our busy fall schedules, a bit of uneasiness will stir inside.
i keep telling myself i will be ready to move on and greet fall with open arms. one can hope.

this weekend is brimming with love. a wedding, a shower, family, & seeing old friends.
happiest august days.

eager waiting

“The plan of God for me, for this one day, is meant not to trouble but to gladden my heart.” 

-Elisabeth Elliot 

god has been doing so much the past few days. what’s absolutely best for me right now is having my plans shaken every five seconds. as life gets hectic and everything you thought you knew continually gets spattered on the ground, the lord constantly reminds me i’m dependent, that i'm not in control, and that by my own strength i’m not okay.
i have to constantly remind myself that he is a god who is completely sovereign over every aspect of my life.

so i'm here, waiting patiently on him.

with love, mandy

(ps. self portrait from this morning. free lensing.)

1/2

the week is half over already believe it or not.
my head has been filled with homework, birthdays, and future summer projects in need of being started.
i'm on my knees pleading this next week will go by fast.

love,
mandy

.

we all so often claim, "we need to live what we believe."
as Christians, we overlook our responsibilities. we find ourselves in spots where it's hard to lend a hand to those in need. we can no longer reach our arm out and put it around them.

you see, we live in a community where we hear the hate and disgust for one another displayed before our eyes everyday. there's distrust, gossip, anger towards each other neatly tucked away in an envelope of self-righteousness.
all about fat people. about gay people. about alcoholic people. about people that gossip. about people that smoke and use drugs. about people that act differently. about people that dress differently. and so on.
we see it every single day. whether it's from our own outlook or someone else's. i am just as much a culprit of doing so as anyone else. and i did these very judgments buried with the term 'christian' by my side. thinking that somehow, because i am a christian my judgments i make on others will be approved because they were done out of love. we have attitudes where we think it's okay to push our so called 'christian' name aside and replace it with our ugly picket signs.
i'm a christian, except when you're prettier than me.
i'm a christian, except when you are going to get the job i wanted.
i'm a christian, except when you cheated.
i'm a christian, except when you fall inlove with the person i fell inlove with.
i'm a christian, except when there's a homeless man on the side of the street.

but if you are dressed nice, and have a job. if you act the way i think you should act and believe what i believe, you meet my approval. and then, at that moment, i am a christian. you have somehow gained my acceptance. these kind of feelings drive us to the point where we no longer have a hand to lend or arm to wrap around those that are weak and in need. we no longer have the longing or want to help those we think 'below' what our standard of acceptance is.

but this very way of thinking,
needs to stop.
if we really want to make a change and live up to our so called 'christian' name, we need to reach out.
we need to be a christian, when she is prettier. we need to be a christian, when he got the job we had been praying for. we need to be a christian, when they've cheated and gotten away with it. and so on.
there are those we looked down upon and have made us feel hateful, but they are who we need to put our arm around and tell them 'you're alright.' forget about telling them they are dressed immodest or shouldn't believe what they believe, tell them you love them.

those three words will gain more impact on their life than any 'look' or 'glimpse' you could shoot their way. and after this, with our judgmental hearts set to rest, we can proudly live up to what we believe is true. just by loving.

sincerely,
mandy.

absence is good sometimes.

have you liked my absence as of late?
here's a bit of life for you.

 //park days//

 //sibs//

 //sunday with a precious boy.//

 //awaiting a school days end.//

//picture perfect.//

 //days when you spend the majority of your time looking at the clouds.//

 //track meets.//

 //beach days.//

 

//getting dizzy//

 //fulfilled.//

in him i am thankful

life is crucial and beautiful today.

i am thankful for family, and friends, and the single life. i'm thankful for my brother turning eleven today and an over abundance of cake, even though it sickens me to think upon the subject. i am thankful for hope, the hope that spring will be here soon. (snow will just not do.) i am thankful for a gracious savior that cares far beyond what i could imagine.

i am thankful most of all for a short life. one that we can make our own and appreciate every last bit of it. for you see, if life were longer it would be a much harder task.


thankful heart.

it's wednesday.

a day of pancakes, and yoga, and birthday planning. it's also six days away from Tuesday.
school is coming.


(i might run away instead.)

are you drunk?

 

i barely got through the day.

but honestly, the best part was the end.

i was laying on the lawn at the college tonight, saying my thank yous quietly in my head. there was something about being able to smell spring in the air that made me uncontrollably happy. i was then informed by the presence of two young gentleman of which i never knew. "are you drunk?" one of them asked me. "no, just stargazing."

i just want

i just want to make nice things and have a nice husband and be happy.

essence

Life is a bit absurd & feels too difficult. We're alive. That's all we really need to know.

god answered prayers tonight.
and put some new ones on my heart.

i am so in love with Him.

limp

god has been taking some serious time to work on me lately. i have been in a constant state of struggling with the simplest aspects of my faith. and its been killing me.

i was waiting for my last class of the day to begin. sitting on a bench, eating my homemade bread as i read through my valentines again. i thought my heart was happy.
an older woman straggled out of one of the doors. she had a walker. every step she took she would drag her left foot behind herself. it took her three times as long as it would take anyone else to go from her classroom to the exit. i held two doors open for her just days before, but i never really thought about how slow she was going because the way she was smiling at me. she called me a 'clever thing' as i leaned towards the second door to press the handicapped button for her. she smiled and gave a sincere thank you. but as i watched her go from door to door at her slow pace yesterday, exclaiming thank yous and smiling at every person holding them open for her, i thought she's in no rush. why do i go through my days so quickly?
it was almost as if i saw her leg being dragged behind herself was a gift. that woman struggling to go five feet was everything i wanted to be in the last five days. she had patience, and thankfulness, she was kind, and took  all the time she needed to get from one place to the next. no rushing.
i remember getting in the car yesterday morning and my first thought being to myself, "mandy, you'll get through the day. just plow through it. the weekend is coming dear." lately i've had the mindset of 'tuesdays and thursdays aren't days to reminisce or enjoy.' i've been in a constant state of hurrying to get this or that done.

god has brought much peace to my heart tonight, so that i can enjoy my days. i can be patient, and grateful, and take time to say my thank yous as i myself straggle through the days of the week. i am so in awe of our awesome god.
it's as if my heart is saying, "oh. that's what you are trying to teach me."

it may be hard

i am discovering joy.
in all things little and sweet and even the hard things.

i have been asking god for direction in my life. what comes next? i find myself impatiently awaiting his answer. "what, lord? what do i do?" but i know the lord is teaching me something different. just knowing, having faith even if it is so so small that god is asking me to wait. just wait.

i can give all things up and stand in awe of my abba.
he is so good to me.

psalms 27:14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

single

a) freedom.
b) i have time to develope my relationship with God.
c) don't have to shave my legs.
d) all of the above.

if you answered d, you are correct.

she said it in not so many words

 january ended with a french exam, no inspiration whatsoever, and an impromptu trip to the grocery store for mildly okay donuts. 
february started with an overwhelming amount of homework, a copious amount of inspiration, and lack of sleep.

 life.