Sunday, February 2, 2014

already here

how do i begin?
words have been few around here the past weeks. 
i've been trying to be better at a lot of things lately. writing being one of them.
my sad attempt has left checklists of my days past and unanswered questions in my journal though.
i am in the in-between-stage-of-life it seems. the one where you don't know where your foot is going to land next or even if it will slide a little when it hits the ground.

last year i felt such confidence. such boldness. such knowing.
this year, God has been teaching me the complete opposite. & this year, i'm learning what i've been missing. being in a season of uncertainty and questioning, it is so much easier to fill in the blanks with how i think God's will for my life should play out. and in my heart, it happens all the time. i grow my own selfish words and end up whimpering and waiting for even just a whisper that "this is it." <THIS IS WHAT'S NEXT> this is what He wants me to do. but lately, there's been no answer. no sureness. no urge or rebuttal to the pressure that's been building up around me.
i must confess,  in many ways it's nice. it's nice to wait it out. to accept that maybe i am doing exactly what He has called of me right here, right now -- even if it feels nothing like last year.

maybe it doesn't seem as brave as leaving the country like i did last year.
& maybe it's not taking orphans by the hand.
& maybe it's not giving up my entire summer to intern at camp.
& maybe it's not wearing 1 dress for an entire year.

but now, more than ever, i am realizing that being brave comes when you are exactly where God wants you to be. when you are in the center of His will, no matter what that looks like.

"take me where love is needed" is what i say when i wake up every morning now.
and for now, that's right here.
in this little town.
with my little family.
with a little job.

it may be a season of "little" things for now, but it's everything He wants for me. & i'm okay with that.