limp

god has been taking some serious time to work on me lately. i have been in a constant state of struggling with the simplest aspects of my faith. and its been killing me.

i was waiting for my last class of the day to begin. sitting on a bench, eating my homemade bread as i read through my valentines again. i thought my heart was happy.
an older woman straggled out of one of the doors. she had a walker. every step she took she would drag her left foot behind herself. it took her three times as long as it would take anyone else to go from her classroom to the exit. i held two doors open for her just days before, but i never really thought about how slow she was going because the way she was smiling at me. she called me a 'clever thing' as i leaned towards the second door to press the handicapped button for her. she smiled and gave a sincere thank you. but as i watched her go from door to door at her slow pace yesterday, exclaiming thank yous and smiling at every person holding them open for her, i thought she's in no rush. why do i go through my days so quickly?
it was almost as if i saw her leg being dragged behind herself was a gift. that woman struggling to go five feet was everything i wanted to be in the last five days. she had patience, and thankfulness, she was kind, and took  all the time she needed to get from one place to the next. no rushing.
i remember getting in the car yesterday morning and my first thought being to myself, "mandy, you'll get through the day. just plow through it. the weekend is coming dear." lately i've had the mindset of 'tuesdays and thursdays aren't days to reminisce or enjoy.' i've been in a constant state of hurrying to get this or that done.

god has brought much peace to my heart tonight, so that i can enjoy my days. i can be patient, and grateful, and take time to say my thank yous as i myself straggle through the days of the week. i am so in awe of our awesome god.
it's as if my heart is saying, "oh. that's what you are trying to teach me."

“safety or suffering?”

"Life" has been a big topic on my mind this week. the struggles, the temptations, the downfalls. i read a post tonight about life. about how hard it is. how it will be okay even when it doesn't seem so, urging us to push on and smile through the tears. it talked about struggles and there always being someone worse off than yourself.

some people look at struggles and say, 'this sucks!' or 'why would god do this to me?' the fact that you are saying, 'why?' is exactly why. God wants us to need him. yeah, it's great that he's there, but there is a fine line between 'God being there' and 'needing God there'. what if we all spent every second, every minute of our life in enjoyment? what kind of life would that be? if you are thinking a pretty dang good one, i advise you to rethink it. the struggles, the challenges, are all a part of god's plan.

yeah, sure it's hard. but if life wasn't hard what would be the fun of living it.

struggle has been something i've been praying for lately. not against it but for it. honestly, i haven't ever had much struggle in my life while growing up. god's been good to help me along, occasionally slipping and falling but always getting back up. i want to break and cry out to God. i want to need nothing more but him. the battles we face draw us closer to the Lord--they fix our hearts on what should be our focus.

I want to struggle. I want to get my hands dirty . I want to be so “in love” with him, that nothing else matters.

”Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” -Helen Keller

photo via.

Life
is
hard
today.



but God is so good.