eager waiting

“The plan of God for me, for this one day, is meant not to trouble but to gladden my heart.” 

-Elisabeth Elliot 

god has been doing so much the past few days. what’s absolutely best for me right now is having my plans shaken every five seconds. as life gets hectic and everything you thought you knew continually gets spattered on the ground, the lord constantly reminds me i’m dependent, that i'm not in control, and that by my own strength i’m not okay.
i have to constantly remind myself that he is a god who is completely sovereign over every aspect of my life.

so i'm here, waiting patiently on him.

with love, mandy

(ps. self portrait from this morning. free lensing.)

god answered prayers tonight.
and put some new ones on my heart.

i am so in love with Him.

limp

god has been taking some serious time to work on me lately. i have been in a constant state of struggling with the simplest aspects of my faith. and its been killing me.

i was waiting for my last class of the day to begin. sitting on a bench, eating my homemade bread as i read through my valentines again. i thought my heart was happy.
an older woman straggled out of one of the doors. she had a walker. every step she took she would drag her left foot behind herself. it took her three times as long as it would take anyone else to go from her classroom to the exit. i held two doors open for her just days before, but i never really thought about how slow she was going because the way she was smiling at me. she called me a 'clever thing' as i leaned towards the second door to press the handicapped button for her. she smiled and gave a sincere thank you. but as i watched her go from door to door at her slow pace yesterday, exclaiming thank yous and smiling at every person holding them open for her, i thought she's in no rush. why do i go through my days so quickly?
it was almost as if i saw her leg being dragged behind herself was a gift. that woman struggling to go five feet was everything i wanted to be in the last five days. she had patience, and thankfulness, she was kind, and took  all the time she needed to get from one place to the next. no rushing.
i remember getting in the car yesterday morning and my first thought being to myself, "mandy, you'll get through the day. just plow through it. the weekend is coming dear." lately i've had the mindset of 'tuesdays and thursdays aren't days to reminisce or enjoy.' i've been in a constant state of hurrying to get this or that done.

god has brought much peace to my heart tonight, so that i can enjoy my days. i can be patient, and grateful, and take time to say my thank yous as i myself straggle through the days of the week. i am so in awe of our awesome god.
it's as if my heart is saying, "oh. that's what you are trying to teach me."

Have.

 i awoke this morning tired, flustered about the amount of times the alarms sang about the house during the long morning of people leaving for work. today's morning voices didn't seem very quiet either. they were loud, as a matter of fact, insanely loud. 

i forcefully opened my tired eyes and sat up to better hear what was going on. and quite frankly, i never came to a conclusion. i wrapped my white comforter around my self and walked over to my sister's bed by the window. sun pouring in, i opened my bible to Matthew. and read. i usually only read one chapter, but this morning i read five. i found myself so overwhelmed by our saviors love.

so thankful for the things he did.

i have been thinking about His story. most days feeling numb to it, empty, having that feeling of "how could this be real?" but today, while reading, i was struck with its realness. i was so grateful for his grace and selflessness. i was almost crying.

sitting on my sisters bed, my hair wrapped into a messy bun, the book of Matthew opened, i found myself being insanely thankful. it was the kind of thankfulness we could all use a little more of. not really the "thank you for this piece of chocolate cake, can i have some more please?" but the "why did it take me so long to realize how awesome you are?" that kind of thankfulness. i was reminded of how awe struck our Lord really is.

i read a post by a girl named staci the other day. she said,

"Gratitude comes easily to me lately, during a season in life where few other virtues come easily, if at all."

i was stumped that day, because lately, i've been feeling the complete opposite before today. i like to think gratefulness comes easy to me a lot of the time. but honestly, it doesn't.

and thus, God has been showing me i need to make life less about me and more about others.
through little steps and mess-ups, the Lord has been good to show me those things. i can honestly say, i am learning somethings at a slow pace. aka - thankfulness.
but i am learning. and thanking Him. and falling. and thanking Him all over again.

His Child

sinner, saved by grace, and a daughter of the Most High King.

i am not.

i was watching a show with my little brother yesterday. "Bones", mind you. sometimes all i want to do is watch well dressed men catch bad guys. but yesterdays show, agent(yea..i did just say that) 'Boothe' said something that i actually liked, a lot. as a matter of fact, loved.
"You Aren't Special."
it got me thinking. it's true. we aren't. you aren't. i'm not.
people are so concerned with being special it's like we all revolve around the very word. in schools, we are taught we are special. at home, we are taught we are special. almost anyone would tell you that you are special just to make you feel good or better about yourself. but the truth is, we aren't. i'm not anymore special than any one person on earth with the cruelest heart towards god. i'm not special at all.
i've been thinking about this a lot lately. god didn't choose us because we are smart, or have some great idea that is gonna make the world a better place. and he definitely didn't choose us cause of our good looks or sense of humor. he chose us because of our unloveliness. our cruel hearts.
i finished reading hosea last week. it's one of my favourite stories, and it kind of puts the whole unlovely thing into perspective for me. God told hosea to marry gomer. she was a woman with a past, an unlovely one too. but he married her anyway. she would go astray, and when god told hosea, "go, again, and love that woman" hosea went. he didn't make her pay, he did.
it's just like us. we are the bride of christ. all our burdens, and heartaches, everything ever thought to be so unlovely, god took and made beautiful. he paid for our wicked hearts. that's pretty amazing to think about. what qualifies us is not our loveliness, it's his love that makes us lovely.

i guess the reality is, the only reason that we are special, if at all, is because we are so unlovely. it's important to remember he doesn't need us at all. he brought you to life, he deserves your soul. not the other way around.

my saturday: the one with the girl in a floral printed skirt, drinking peach-apricot tea, while writing letters to her future husband.

 it was a lovely sunday. honestly, i wasn't expecting it to be so lovely. it almost felt like winter was skipped right over and spring had arrived with the sun shining thus bright. i wore my floral skirt to church and finished 'Hosea' in the morning. i ate breakfast out of my homemade ceramics bowl miss bella gave to me during the holidays.
god has been teaching me an abundance of things lately. i am so thankful and in awe of it all. he's been showing me patience and the bigger picture. the one that's not always so easy to see. not to mention i'm falling head over heals for the book of Hosea. it's pretty romantic if you ask me.
i ended my day with letters to my husband and lists of what i wanted in my house. dreaming of copper kettles and big, sunlit kitchens.
i'm off to bed.

happy week.

"examine carefully, and constantly, what that one thing in me is, which causes me in the least to doubt of the love of God; and to direct all my forces against it."

“safety or suffering?”

"Life" has been a big topic on my mind this week. the struggles, the temptations, the downfalls. i read a post tonight about life. about how hard it is. how it will be okay even when it doesn't seem so, urging us to push on and smile through the tears. it talked about struggles and there always being someone worse off than yourself.

some people look at struggles and say, 'this sucks!' or 'why would god do this to me?' the fact that you are saying, 'why?' is exactly why. God wants us to need him. yeah, it's great that he's there, but there is a fine line between 'God being there' and 'needing God there'. what if we all spent every second, every minute of our life in enjoyment? what kind of life would that be? if you are thinking a pretty dang good one, i advise you to rethink it. the struggles, the challenges, are all a part of god's plan.

yeah, sure it's hard. but if life wasn't hard what would be the fun of living it.

struggle has been something i've been praying for lately. not against it but for it. honestly, i haven't ever had much struggle in my life while growing up. god's been good to help me along, occasionally slipping and falling but always getting back up. i want to break and cry out to God. i want to need nothing more but him. the battles we face draw us closer to the Lord--they fix our hearts on what should be our focus.

I want to struggle. I want to get my hands dirty . I want to be so “in love” with him, that nothing else matters.

”Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” -Helen Keller

photo via.

i'm sitting on the back porch, swinging in a hammock. there is a beautiful sunset sprawled across the sky that i like to think is my own. cup of tea in hand, and this, to me, is peace. on days like this, i feel blessed. Admiring what God gave me. everyone has their ways, some admire from mountain tops, some from the middle of the ocean, some don't admire at all. i try to admire all things though. like sitting at home on a quiet friday night. i thank God for these nights. they're good to just sit and think, and sort life back to the way it's suppose to be.
i thank god that i can be content with so little.
love, mandy.

kissing faith hello.

Gods been teaching me about faith lately.
i'm sorry to admit that i've been lacking in that area.
majorly.

i was late on signing up for my college courses for fall term. a bunch of nonsense happened and i allotted to telling myself i wasn't gonna get anything i wanted because i missed my sign up date by 2 weeks. it was like everything was piling up and the world was screaming at me,"there is no way."

i was finally able to sign up yesterday.

i got every single class i wanted but one. and than the Lord caught my attention and said, "Ye of little faith."

He was right. i had little faith.
we're never alone.

Matt 17:20

 ²⁰And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

laughing with god.

i like to think most of the time, i'm a pretty decent listener. but when it comes to praying, i'm a conversation hog. sometimes i feel bad that God has to listen to my big mouth. i go from one thought, to the next problem, to yet another thought, and etc. usually i realize my fault, slow down, and listen. he doesn't always talk back. and sometimes, like tonight, it was mostly just me talking. i had lots to say and needed the outlet. but after i realized i had been blabbering on for a good 45 minutes at a rapid pace, i laughed.

i'm sure he laughed too. he has the right to.

he reminded me that he has a plan. my beloved Lord holds me in his hands and he will never let me go. i don't have anything to worry about. psalms 55:22 entered my head,

"Cast thy burden upon the LORD, 
and he shall sustain thee: 
he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

i'd be silly to forget that. 

and than it was my turn again, but all that came out of my mouth was

thank you.

Life
is
hard
today.



but God is so good.

try hard, everyday.

Life is beautiful.
And sometimes it takes God waking you up at four in the morning to watch the sunrise to realize it.(the sky is splattered with color right now.)
I've been forgetting that this week it seems. Not taking time to enjoy the little things. Just sitting, musing, and being happy.

I hope your day starts out as good as mine.
Love, Mandy

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.  He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”